Mary Catherine wrote me in 2008 to say that she was having trouble finding a spanking partner. I encouraged her to persevere—that perhaps only one out of 100 men would be appropriate, so her chances would depend on her willingness to roll up her sleeves and work. But if she were willing, she might just find the spankings of her dreams.
She decided to give it a try. And being a meticulous person, she kept this diary of her quest—printed below. The only thing I should add now, in 2017, is that online sites come and go, and I don’t know if the sites she mentions are still good places to meet people. What I do know is that Mary Catherine’s experience is universal and her insights are sharp; we can all learn from her—and smile with her. Here is her story.
Reclaiming the Fire
March 11, 2008
I’m a widow, nearly 59 years old, living in a small town in Missouri, population 12,000. I was born here, lived away for decades, then returned 15 years ago to help out with ageing parents. It’s the kind of town where everyone knows your business, gossip travels faster than lightning, the good old boys all vote Republican, the church pews are still full on Sunday mornings and public servants are held to exacting standards.
The reason I threw that in about public servants is because I am one. I am the director of the public library. Please note that I didn’t call myself a librarian. I am actually an archivist, a job I dearly love and miss. When the position at the library became available, I was encouraged by an aunt to apply for it. In small towns where library budgets are small, it is common for them to be managed by persons without an MLS. The Board of Trustees seemed delighted to receive my application. The woman I was replacing didn’t even have an undergraduate degree, let alone a masters in library science or anything else. I’ve been at the library since 1995.
I am a hard-wired spanko. I don’t remember ever not being interested in spanking. I wasn’t spanked as a child but had many cousins and friends who were. I found their accounts fascinating and always pressed for information. There were lots of spanking comments and scenes on TV in those days. I would watch them, my face would flush and I hoped no one noticed that they affected me in that way. Any passages from books that dealt with corporal punishment were read and reread. After puberty my reaction became clearly sexual. I spent most of my youth both embarrassed and confused about my reaction to anything spanking related.
My fantasy life became quite colorful during my teen years. I often found myself in a precarious situation or some sort, kidnapped by pirates (or hillbillies), trapped in a mountain cabin with a large lumberjack, stranded on a desert island inhabited by a tribe of fierce spanking natives, forced to live in a large tree house in an unspecified jungle…you get the picture. The thing that tied them together was that I always found myself being unfairly spanked for something. I was always very brave, refusing to give my punisher the satisfaction of bringing me to tears and earning his grudging respect.
Fantasy becomes reality
All of my spanking adventures remained in the fantasy realm until I met and began an affair with the first of the two men who would influence the rest of my life. I was a senior in college when we met. He was 12 years older, sophisticated and infinitely more experienced. I fell hard and was easily manipulated by him. After graduation, I took a job that he arranged for me 200 miles from home and moved into an apartment across the hall from his. I was very much in love and would have done just about anything he wanted. He had a very sensual nature and considered it his mission in life to provide both of us as many different kinds of sexual experiences as possible.
My lover soon discovered that my bottom is definitely my erogenous zone. Any contact he made with it produced a strong reaction. He logically concluded that I would probably find being spanked an erotic experience. The prospect of spanking me excited him, and he set out to discover if his assessment of my nature was correct. Fortunately for me, he made the effort to learn how to give an erotic spanking. It wasn’t about punishment or control. It was about sex. When he was convinced he could do it properly, he set me up, fussing and quarreling until I popped off at him. Then he hauled me over his lap, bared my backside and proceeded to administer my first spanking. I had just turned 22.
Once I got past some initial indignation, I found myself more aroused than I had ever been in my life. That first spanking was the mildest one he ever gave me, but it produced quite a sting and resulted in a red bottom. We had discovered our favorite means of foreplay. Over the next year or so, he spanked me two or three times a week. The spankings themselves became harder, but they remained erotic, often to the point of producing an orgasm. It was a fabulous sexual relationship, but it ended.
A vanilla life
My husband came into my life during the last weeks of the affair with my spanker. We had an instant attraction to one another and when the first relationship ended, he was waiting with open arms. We married 10 months later. He was by far a better man than my lover in every way except one. We were married for over 30 years until his death three and a half years ago.
I have never been sure whether the highly charged sexual relationship with my lover was a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, the memories of it still put a smile on my face on cold winter nights. On the other, it made me bored and dissatisfied with sex with my vanilla husband. I desperately wanted to be spanked, needed it to become truly aroused and satisfied. I fantasized about it while we were making love. Finally, after many years of marriage, I got up the nerve to ask him to spank me. It was a disaster. He found the idea unpleasant due to memories of an abusive father. The last thing he ever wanted to do was be like his father. But he did try a few times, and I will always love him for that. His angst made the situation unsatisfying for both of us. It clearly wasn’t going to work. I dropped it and neither one of us ever spoke of it again. We went back to doing what he liked, and I was left once more with my fantasies.
I sincerely hoped the craving for leather across my bottom would go away, thought that surely it would as I got older. Sadly that was not the case. It was like a drug. I was addicted. I could function without it, but the craving was always there. Things were better for a while when I went through menopause. The hormonal changes plus the stress of dealing with my husband’s illness sent my libido into the deep freeze. Having no desires at all was a relief, much better than the constant frustration.
My husband was ill for several years before he died. When the end came three years ago, I met it with a combination of sadness and relief. Before you think that I’m lonely and looking for another permanent relationship, I want to make it clear that I enjoy living alone. After 32 years of marriage, I relish the freedom and independence. Thanks to a combination of menopause and stress my libido was in the deep freeze.
Something amazing happened
Then about nine months ago something amazing happened. I realized that I was horny. Good grief, I thought. At my age. Get a grip, woman. But there it was. The libido was back and wasn’t going to be ignored. My vibrator became my new best friend. Several men had expressed interest in me since my husband’s death, but I hesitated becoming involved. You see, I have this kink.
Readers, your patience has been rewarded. We’re finally going to talk about spanking. My husband was not my spanker. I was involved in a two year relationship with a man before I met my husband. He was the spanker. I am a hard-wired spanko, interested since childhood like the rest of you. But my first spanking came as an adult with this man. He told me after we had been spanking for a while that he was pretty certain how I would respond because I always got so turned on by anything he did to my bottom. It is definitely my erogenous zone. So, he set me up one night, quarrelling and fussing at everything I did until I smarted off. At which point he hauled me across his lap, bared my backside (which was easy since I was wearing a baby doll gown and no panties, ) and proceeded to spank me. After I got over the initial indignation, I was more aroused than I had ever been in my life. He knew all about warm ups and that first spanking was magical for me. The sex afterward was fabulous.
Our spanking remained erotic. He always started with a wonderful long hand spanking then changed to an implement, usually a leather paddle or his belt. I loved the sting of his hand and the burn of the leather and he loved providing both. We indulged at least twice a week, often more, for many months. A match made in heaven, right? Wrong. The relationship ended and I met and married my husband. He was by far the better man in nearly every way but one. He wasn’t a spanker.
I tried presenting my bottom to him at every opportunity, but he seemed to ignore it. He was a breast man. Subtle hints didn’t work, so after many years of marriage and fantasizing about him spanking me, I got up the courage to tell him that I needed spanked in order to feel sexually fulfilled. He was completely cold to the idea. He did try a few times just to humor me, but his heart wasn’t in it and he didn’t do it satisfactorily. Coaching from me made it worse. I finally gave up and our sex life returned to same old same old.
The only way I can climax
To tie this together so you’ll understand why I hesitated to get involved with a man again, I simply don’t want the frustration of another vanilla sex life. Even though it’s been 35 years since I had a satisfactory spanking, I do know what I want. I’m a spanko. The only way I can climax is to either be spanked or fantasize about being spanked. That was true in 1972 when I was first married, and it’s still true.
Finally, about 6 months ago in a moment of weakness, I accepted an invitation from a man I’ve known for most of my life. He had been persistently courting me for over a year. We started an affair which I am in the process of ending. The thing is, he doesn’t ring my bell. He realized this and kept asking me what I liked? What do you want me to do? I was noncommittal. Finally one night I had an extra G&T and told him that I wanted to be spanked. He reacted in a similar way my husband had. It was clear that he thought I was weird..
Dang. What are the odds of this happening twice? I thought I’d be a bit persistent. So I ordered some new toys for my toy drawer, which by now he helps himself to regularly. Some new plugs, an anal vibrator, beads and bondage gear. Also a new leather paddle. It did no good whatsoever. I have given up on converting him. It did cause me to ask myself if I have to get myself off after he leaves, then what the heck do I need him or any other man for?
There will never be another strictly vanilla relationship in my life. It’s far too frustrating. I would rather be alone than to put myself through that again. I need to find a man who is already interested in spanking. I am in my late fifties, so it is possible that I won’t find a spanking partner and will indeed remain alone. But what is the point of a relationship that brings me no satisfaction?
I decided to try …
It was time to do one of two things. I needed to either fully accept who I am and get serious about finding a spanking partner or go back into sublimation mode forever and be contented with my dog and cats and my vegetable patch. I chose the former. I did what all of us do at some point. I typed “spanking” into a search engine.
The Internet is loaded with spanking sites, anti-spanking sites, sites that have little or no bearing to spanking but that turn up in a results list anyway. It’s a little overwhelming. What I wanted was a place to meet and talk to others who are interested in spanking and hopefully find a spanking partner who enjoys the same type of experience that I do.
I finally found the Bottom Lines Spanking Community. It is a great place to meet people who share the interest. But it has a small membership, so isn’t a good place to find a spanking partner. However, I remain a member there and have made a few friends, including a man who could be a possible partner if the Atlantic wasn’t between us. That’s way too much to spend for a spanking. Whether I ever find a partner on BL or not, it’s nice to finally meet other people I can be open with about my kink.
Next I discovered alt.com. I now realize that I did absolutely everything wrong on this site. I found the site somewhat over the top and wanted to protect myself and my identity. I registered for the free membership which means many of the perks of the site were closed to me, was much too specific about what I wanted, too narrow about my age range and refused to post a photo, knowing that if my face is ever seen on a site like that, I’ll lose my job. Then I took a quick look around and waited for people to contact me.
In spite of this half-assed approach, I received a few hits. The thing is, not a single one of them met my guidelines, which certainly isn’t surprising. The ones intelligent enough to read didn’t contact me. For example I said I was looking for a man, but had replies from four women. I said I was a bottom and had requests from two men who wanted me to spank them. I had replies from Pennsylvania and Florida and Utah. All of those are a bit out of the 150 mile range I had specified. There were 14 total contacts, I believe in three weeks. I considered it a waste of time and deleted the account last week.
At this point I was thinking I had made a mistake to even try to locate someone. I was too old, lived in the wrong place, and why on earth would anyone ever want to meet me? Then there was the fear factor. Some of the people on alt.com scared the crap out of me. How do you screen these people to find the good ones?
…and try again
By good fortune, I stumbled on Doc Tsai. I read the article on here about finding a partner and realized I had shot myself in the foot with alt.com. I should have given it a fairer trial. I also read about bondage.com. Then I started listing to the wonderful audio recordings of Doc’s spanking sessions. Those are some of the sexiest things I’ve ever heard. They were a real turn-on for me. So I did something quite out of character, I sent him a fan letter. Fan e-mail to be precise.
To my amazement, Doc replied. We began chatting a bit. He offered some additional tips for the alt.com and bondage.com sites. But the kindest thing Doc did was tell me that I’m not too old to find a partner. And for some crazy reason, I believe him. I may be on the shy side of 60, but I still have the same desire for a spanking that I did at 21. I am determined to give it another try. And to do it right this time.
Doc asked if I would be willing to share this journey with his readers. It didn’t take long for me to agree. It is going to be a learning process for me. With luck I won’t make a major blunder again like I did with alt.com. I’ll register a new account with both them and bondage.com – pay for the upgraded memberships – and take it seriously. I will post here letting all of you know how it’s going. You’ll hear about the ups and downs and in betweens. We hope that my experience will help someone else who wants to find a partner and doesn’t quite know how to go about it.
After his death I thought that I could contentedly live without any sort of sex at all. Then the frozen libido began to thaw. Pesky things, libidos.
This brings me up to the present and the last event that helped me make the decision to look for a spanking partner. I began a relationship with a very nice man a few months ago. Another vanilla relationship. I was back in Frustration City immediately. So I decided to be open with him early on about my desire to be spanked. Who knows, I thought, maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll like the idea. Alas, it wasn’t to be. He reacted even worse than my husband had, informing me that he wanted no part of it. The upshot of it was that he wants a relationship on his terms and assumed I would fall into line. My openness accomplished one important thing. I finally pinged onto the idea that if a vanilla can insist on a relationship on their terms, then so can I.