Are you curious about spanking parties? Thinking you might want to attend one? Pull up a chair and let’s chat.
These events can be a lot of fun. I just got home from the Lone Star State Spanking Party, held in Houston on May 18-21, 2017. I’m writing this while my memory is fresh.
It’s good manners after a party to thank the hosts, and samigyrl posted this note on FetLife:
===Thank you so much for this fabulous party!! I got to be spanked and spanked and spanked…keep that same phrase going, equalling me walking around with a grin on my face for days and days. I got to get to know friends from last year better and make many new friends.===
But not everyone had a wonderful time. As samigyrl wrote me,
===“I talked with a friend who came from overseas for the party and was deeply dissatisfied by all the cliques. He felt left out from most of the play.”===
Same party, two people with very different experiences. Why?
Personality comes first. If you are an outgoing person who enjoys meeting new people, you will have a wonderful time even if you don’t catch much spanking action. Everyone shares your interest, and the old-timers are happy to talk with newcomers. If you’re not outgoing, you can still fake it. Surely you can say “hi” to someone who is nursing a drink off in a corner.
Men and women
Statistics come second. I believe that an equal number of men and women are interested in spanking, but men are more willing to go to spanking parties, and they are more likely to go without partners.
The problem is even worse than it appears, because parties like Lone Star promote male/female and female/female play. When unattached women play with each other, the single male surplus becomes more obvious.
Some events deal with this by refusing to admit surplus men. If thirty couples, twenty single women, and eighty single men express an interest, the organizers will admit all of the couples and single women, but will turn sixty of the single men away.
Lone Star has your back
Tubaman and Sarah Gregory, who are the chief producers of the Lone Star Spanking Party, do not discriminate. Everyone is welcome, so there is a significant number of single men. It is usually easier for women than men to find spanking partners, both for casual play at the party and for an ongoing relationship after it. That doesn’t mean that men are doomed to frustration, but they do have to work to have a successful party. That includes knowing the rules of the (spanking party) game.
At Lone Star, Alex Reynolds laid out those rules in a terrific orientation for “newbies and shybies.” I am no newbie; but some of her suggestions, for instance about conversational topics to avoid, were new to me, and I’m going to include them below. Thank you, Alex, for your educational work.
Samantha Baker, who was sitting in on Alex’s talk, suggested that newcomers should think of the entire party as an educational event. “You’re here to watch and learn,” she said. “You may not play that much, and that’s OK.”
The oldtimers have their own network
Newcomers should also realize that some of the people at the party have been active in the spanking scene for years, often in different parts of the country. A large party like Lone Star is a chance for them to spend time, and share spankings, with people they don’t see as often as they want to. They may go to the events and demonstrations during the day and mingle with the larger crowd over dinner, but evening is likely to find them behind closed doors, at a private party with their old friends. This gets us back to the question of cliques.
A clique is a closed social network—a group—that keeps to itself and thinks it’s better than outsiders. To gain admittance to a clique, you have to follow its norms.
Are these people at spanking parties, who socialize with each other, a clique? I don’t think so. Those that I know do not think of themselves as better than outsiders, and they are open to new members.
But you can’t just ask to become a member. You have to follow their norms (more on this below), and you have to show that you are going to stick around for a while.
You’re a newcomer; this is your first spanking party. The old timers know from experience that they may never lay eyes on you again. They should certainly be polite, but they have no reason to invite you into their world. They will have private parties; they won’t ask you to join. They have a right to relax and have fun with people they have known for a long time. As Michael Masterson said, “This is not just some sort of party clique, these are my true friends.”
How to make connections
But their scene is open to you. You just have to work your way in. You can do it … and here’s how.
There are always threads on FetLife about upcoming parties, and that’s the time to begin to get the lay of the land. Be part of the discussions and you will feel more at home when the doors open.
These discussions will include calls for volunteers to help make the party a success. Tell them you want to help!
It helps to pitch in
I’m a mediocre mingler, so I signed up for three different volunteer duties during Lone Star. I spent an hour on a three-person team at registration. Business was slow on this shift, so it was a great chance for a long talk with two interesting people. Time well spent.
I also spent an hour on a security detail, checking to make sure that everyone who went into the vendor fair had a badge. This was more active—I had to stop several people. But it was also a chance to show that I could help keep the party run smoothly.
Finally I spent an hour as a Dungeon Master. Does this sound scary? Not really. The dungeon is an ordinary hotel meeting room; we convert it to a dungeon by adding people, implements, and furniture, and then dimming the lights.
But with all these new people meeting, and spanking, each other, someone has to make sure that everything stays safe and consensual. The Dungeon Master is there to keep an eye out on what people are doing and, if a problem seems to be developing, to step in. People feel better knowing that someone has their welfare in mind. If you are unknown and have never done this job before, it may be better to volunteer for something else. But if you want to try this, and the organizers want your help, then go right ahead.
How to be normal
Apart from volunteering, you have to show that you’re a reasonable person who is able to engage in normal conversation. At a kink event, this must be done with some finesse.
At an ordinary party, you might strike up a conversation by asking another partygoer where they’re from, what work they do, if they have kids. At a spanking party, these questions are forbidden, and simply asking them stamps you as clueless. And, of course, you should never ask for their real name. You may be chatting with a judge, a teacher, or a rabbi. Why would you start down a line of conversation that might threaten their job or family?
Just because you shouldn’t ask doesn’t mean they won’t tell. One of the experienced people may volunteer personal information in conversation. But if you probe for it, you mark yourself as untrustworthy.
Men commit most of the gaffes that keep them from being accepted by experienced players. One error is to talk only with potential spanking partners. It’ a mistake to chat only with women. Be more than your sexuality.
Here and there you may have an opportunity to be involved in some spanking. If you are being spanked, your butt is going to be about two feet from someone’s nose, and it had better be sparkling clean. If not, people will refuse to play with you; and don’t expect them to tell you why. This is, believe it or not, a common problem.
If you are spanking, the old timers will be keeping an eye on you. Do you ask the woman what she does and doesn’t want? Do you abide by her limits? Or do you ignore her requests, or make the spanking more sexual than she has consented to? Nothing will spoil your reputation faster than a sneaky finger. If you spank responsibly, people will notice that, too.
After the party
After the party is over, send thank-you notes. There is too little gratitude in this world, and the people who produce big parties work tirelessly to make it a good experience for you.
At your second party, people who remember you will be more interested in getting to know you. So if the Lone Star State Party was your first, and you want to get to know people in the scene, don’t make it your last.
samigyrl’s discussion of cliques at the party is on FetLife, at https://fetlife.com/groups/102549/group_posts/10886802. It’s an interesting thread, well worth reading. I particularly recommend Michael Masterson’s comments.
Tubaman started a discussion, What To Expect at a Lone Star Spanking Party, with more thoughts along these lines.
There is an excellent discussion of rules for a spanking party at