Intensity: Mild (for intensity ratings, see Fiction)
Sometimes things get too serious and we need a little whimsy. In that spirit, allow me to share with you a note my friend Michele sent me, and my response, which we posted on one of the spanking newsgroups in 2001.
The first few lines may seem cryptic to you, but they were among the funniest to people who are newsgroup old-timers, back when the internet was almost all text in the mid-1990s.
“X-no-archive” is supposed to be followed by “yes” or “no” depending on whether you want your post to be archived for approximately eternity. And it’s common to identify what’s happening in a story, so for instance M/F means a man spanks a woman, and F/mm means a woman spanks two boys. Finally, many stories say things like “Caution! Adults only! Erotic Content! If you are under 18 or offended by sexual discussion please do not read.”
Mrs Mish and the Perigluteal Proctalgia Paresthesias
x-no-archive, maybe, beats us, ask someone who knows
M.D./F, nearly unintelligible oblique references
If you can figure out that this story has anything erotic at all, you have got to be over 18, so go ahead and read it
Um…good morning, Doctor. I know I should have called for an appointment, but your service didn’t answer, and I was so worried about how I’ve been feeling all morning, so I just ran down here to your office on the off chance I would find you in! The “Do Not Disturb” sign threw me a little, I hope you don’t mind my knocking anyway.
Symptoms? Well, this is a little embarrassing…only one symptom. I’ve had this um…tingling, for lack of a better word…in my um…well, my bottom. (Is there an accepted medical term for “bottom?”) A pins-and-needles feeling, like when your foot falls asleep, and it is very hard to ignore, especially when I sit, because then the tingling tends to spread all over, into even more embarrassing places. I won’t go into it, I know you aren’t a gynecologist, but I thought if I came to you for immediate treatment, we could nip this thing in the butt….I mean the BUD.
Can you do something for me? I’m desperate!
I can help
Good morning, Mrs. Mish, I’m so glad you came in, as it happens I was, ah, thinking of you earlier this morning (straightens tie). Just by the by, this tingling sensation didn’t begin around (glances at watch) 9:30, did it? It did? How extraordinary! No, no, just a lucky guess.
I can understand how you feel embarrassed, but you needn’t worry, we medical people are above all of that. And I have delivered my share of babies, so the female reproductive system, while still a source of boundless wonder to me, is not exactly alien territory.
If you would be so good as to change I’ll take a look and see what’s going on. You can leave your bra on but the dress and panties should go. On second thought, you might as well take off your bra, too, I don’t want it constricting your breathing. The cloth gown goes on top, open in the back, and the paper drape goes over your lap, OK? I’ll step outside for a moment so you can change in privacy.
Three minutes later
OK, that’s just fine. Ordinarily I would have to have my nurse present as a chaperone; the lawyers are so nervous about these things. But of course it’s President’s Day and I’m working alone. Still, we must observe the proprieties . . . let’s see . . . . I’ve got it, I have my video camera with me (as it happens, I had just finished viewing some videos this morning; continuing medical education, of course). So if it’s all right with you I’ll just record our encounter, that will prove that nothing untoward perspired.
Now just lie back down and put your head on the pillow. Comfortable? Good. Now roll onto your left side, facing toward the wall, excellent. Now straighten your lower leg, that’s right, and bend your upper leg with your right ankle over your left knee. Great. Now slide backward toward me until you are right at the edge of the table, I won’t let you fall off, and I can take a look and see what’s going on. I would ordinarily use gloves for this kind of exam but we are trying to save on costs. Managed care and all that, you know. OK, here goes, you’ll feel me lifting up the drape just enough so I can see.
I just need a good look
Ummmmmm . . . yes. Now you’ll feel my hands spreading you gently apart so I can get a good look . . . okay . . . I’m not hurting you, am I? . . . is it tender in here? . . . how about here? I’m going to check just right at the opening now, you’ll feel a bit of jelly, I’m sorry it’s cold but it will still make it more comfortable for you . . . Let me make sure the camera is getting this, if we find something important sometimes we put a still or two in your confidential record. You know, a picture is worth a thousand words and all that. All right, no sign of hemorrhoids or fissures, that’s very good.
Now I’m going to look around a little more, Mrs. Mish (would you mind if I called you Michele?).. . . Just lift your right leg up a little, if you would, yes, a little more, and I’ll just stick my head under the drape there, between your legs, and use the flashlight. Very good. Yes, good color and tone. No suspicious lesions.
No problem with dryness
Now I’m just going to take a quick peek inside in front, I can get a good look just by spreading your labia gently apart with my fingers, we needn’t use one of those nasty instruments. Hmmmm. Certainly no sign of atrophy or dryness, no, hmmm, no dryness, definitely not. Um-hm, um-hm. Has anyone ever told you that your clitoris is, well, distinctly larger than average? I would honestly think it’s pulsating if I didn’t know better. Is there any family history of ovarian hyperfunction? Hyperandrogenism? Bunions? As I’m sure you know, some women with endocrine dysfunction have a distinctive fruity odor to their secretions, it’s diagnostically quite valuable, at least to the educated nose (sniffs) (sniffs again).
(Pulling his head back into daylight). OK, very good, your exam is over. Let me help you up, you can sit but don’t get dressed yet. Forgive me for not washing my hands but you have to let the water run forever before it gets warm when the office is closed. Bear with me for just a moment, I need to think how best to explain this to you. (Sits, pensively, with chin in right hand and fingers curled on upper lip. Breathes deeply for a moment. Eyes half closed.) (pause)
(Now alert and fully professional again). You actually have a well-known condition called perigluteal proctalgia paresthesias (we call it PPP) with perineal radiation. In lay language, that means your buttocks, and especially the area around the anus, have a tingling sensation, those pins and needles you described. That’s the “perigluteal” (near the buttocks) “proctalgia” (related to the anus or rectum) “paresthesias” (pins and needles). The “perineal radiation” means it is radiating or spreading along your perineum, that’s the area that a tampon or panty liner would cover. So it is spreading anteriorly, in other words away from the buttocks toward the front. I know it can be very uncomfortable, but fortunately I have treated other cases like this. As it happens, there are parallels to chronic testicular venous congestion in the male, which can _also_ be quite uncomfortable, but I digress.
PPP is a classic example of a disorder of the sensory components of the nervous system. We see sensory disturbances in some cases of reflex sympathetic dystrophy, for instance, or phantom limb pain after amputation. The solution is simple, yet elegant: we overdrive the regional nerves, which masks the noxious sensation. It’s just like drowning out traffic noise outside your window by playing a radio. It’s the principle of how the TENS system works, for instance, you may have seen people wearing these little battery packs with a couple of electrodes glued to their skin. Yes, it can be a lifesaver.
In your case, although the sensations have radiated toward the vulvar area, the problem originates in the lower central buttocks and it’s there we’ll have to apply the overriding stimulus. It’s something I can do right here in the office. Let me just pull my chair out from behind the desk so I have room to work.
Before we proceed, I need you to sign a little document we call the informed consent. I’ll fill it out with you now. Your condition is perigluteal proctalgia paresthesias with perineal radiation, (writing) and the proposed cure is a manual percussive treatment of the perigluteal area (we abbreviate that “mptpga,” these abbreviations save me no end of writing). The side effects include some local discomfort, just like a little bee sting, or in all candor perhaps a little worse than that, but all the soreness should be gone in a week, or two at the outside. We will avoid anesthetic complications by not giving you any.
You consent to such other treatment as I deem essential during the course of the procedure; usually this is nothing more than augmenting my manual efforts with a short strap I have here in my desk. The alternative to this treatment is leaving things just as they are, and of course that’s your choice. If you do wish to proceed, however, we can’t stop part way through. I have seen some very serious hyperventilation when the procedure is stopped part way through, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that to happen to a nice lady like you.
There’s one limitation I should mention. Although this treatment is very effective indeed, the benefit is sometimes only temporary. If this happens, Michele, now that you know the ropes, it’s a simple matter to stop by for a booster treatment. I have a few patients who need to be retreated at weekly intervals, so I just have them come in on my day off. No, no, you’re too kind, too kind; anyone would do it. Part of my job is helping people optimize their health, energy, and satisfaction in life. Actually I should have put satisfaction first in that list, but that’s neither here nor there.
Now, Michele, this part is very important, so please pay attention. Immediately afterward, when that stinging and burning sensation in your perigluteal area is at its maximum (don’t forget we WANT that, how else could we solve your problem?), it is usually appropriate to apply a second, contrasting stimulus directly to the clitoral area; this is called “rescue” treatment and can be quite effective in bringing the procedure to complete and successful closure.
Just sign here.
Copyright (c) 2001 by MrsMish and Doc Tsai
Back to Fiction